Learning to love

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13 NIV)

 

Today in church the message I got is I do not know how to love. I realized I have not been giving or allowing the type of love that God commands. My belief about love has been it is a feeling and once the feeling is gone then the love must be gone as well. Now, rationally, I know this isn’t true, but after taking deep inventory of my actions I came to realize I have been demonstrating behaviors that act as if it were. Don’t get me wrong, with my family I do have unconditional love, but even that love isn’t always based in spirit and truth. There are some family members that I truly have not loved, I just learned to fake it. Today my goal is to learn to love how I should have loved all along, but I know before I truly can, I need to evaluate what has shaped my current ideals on love and what I need to do to reshape them.

As with most people, my first memories of love is from my parents. I don’t remember much about my early adolescent life, but I do remember being a little spoiled. I was the first girl and have always been very vocal about everything so have been able to talk myself into getting what I want. This has been a habit that I have not outgrown. In my current relationship I notice that I do start feeling unloved if things do not happen exactly how I want, when I want! I am noticing it often in this relationship as opposed to any of my past relationships because this is the first time things haven’t gone my way. My guy now has his own hold-ups and other priorities so he doesn’t act like I am the center of his world and for a long time that made me feel as if that meant he didn’t want to be with me. I am just learning to accept that love is patient and I need to be as well, with him and our relationship.

Today I learned that the love I give in relationships is not necessarily love, but it is control. I want what I want when I want it and if I cannot have it, then I think things just can’t be. Saying it aloud makes me realize how immature it really is but if I am honest with myself; it is really how I feel. Of course during the time I wrap it up into other titles like ‘standards’, ‘desires’, and ‘not settling’ though. I strongly believe that everyone should have those other titles and even breaking points and deal breakers, but that is a lot different from setting demands to remain in a relationship with someone, which is something that I have very recently been guilty of. While I know control is not love and not even healthy since we can never really have total control over anything in life, I also understand how I developed this bad practice. My first memories people who loved me and showed me how to love are now just memories and the hurt that accompanies those memories is more than I can handle at times and something I fear ever feeling again, especially since the hurt has never went away. I want to control how I love everyone else in my life since I can’t control how long they will remain in my life. I am at a point where safety is detrimental to my sanity and even though I have taken it too far, it is because that is what I felt I needed to do to protect myself. One thing I blame my partner now of is being afraid to take the risk of having true love with me because of past hurts and today I had to acknowledge that I was doing the same thing. My fear is not based on a past romantic relationship, but because the two people who I know loved me unconditionally were taken from me before I was ready to let them go. Going even further with this idea, after my mother passed I felt like no one else would ever love me as she did so I stopped loving myself unconditionally too. I started controlling how I loved me and dictating to myself what I was worthy of receiving and started behaving in a way that reflected my belief.

Now that I can see how I have been blocking love from myself I can change the direction I have been on to learn to give and receive the type of love I want and need. It all starts with loving God. God is love so to love Him is to love. I had to repent for being angry with God for taking my parents. I had to accept His will as THE will and release the control I never really had on my emotions. It will be continual work to get to the place where I want to be, but I have started on the journey. It helps that I have a guy in my life who also has to learn to really love so there won’t be any rush to get there. If what we have doesn’t work out long-term, I am cool with that too. In letting go of my anger towards God I also released my control over how I love myself, so while Shay may not be the center of the universe, I will be the center of mine and make sure if no one other than God does, I will love myself unconditionally!

 

Just my thoughts…

Lately a common theme I have been feeling has been boredom. It isn’t because I am bored with anything in particular, just life in general. I must admit, I have been going through what I am terming my ‘end of 20s blues’ but regardless of that, I feel the monotony of life is choking the Shay out of me! I wake up every day thinking about the next time I can go back to sleep and tackle each task, outside of what I choose to do in my leisure, with as much enthusiasm as one would display watching paint dry. Don’t get me wrong, I live a full life and don’t spend my time in the bed waiting for something to happen, I am usually only home for a few hours a day and sleep less than 4 hours most nights. I do a lot with my time and even though I am always into something, I am still unimpressed/unispired with my life. I am on a continual search for something and I have no idea what it is and even less of an idea of where I can find it.

I read a tweet recently by Russell Simmons that said something along the lines of true happiness, or peace, is only achieved when the mind is still. That sounds really profound but after really thinking about it meant absolutely nothing to me. How does one still their mind anyway? Meditation was the first thought that came to mind, but anyone who has ever practiced meditation can attest that it is not as simple as just deciding to meditate. To really focus on anything or, more accurately put, nothing is a learned skill that comes after a lot of practice. So while meditation might work eventually, it will probably cause more anxiety trying to find calmness in the present.

After many sleepless nights, books read, and pages written in my journal I have come to the conclusion that I am bored because I am not living my destined life. The saying ‘when you do what you love you never have to work’ is true. When I am volunteering or helping people I never get tired because that is something I love to do. I never have recurring dreams about quitting spending time with friends and family as I do with my current job because that is something I could do all day, every day, for the rest of my life and still feel like I didn’t spend enough time doing it. I am bored because I am just living A life and not MY life. I have a passion for teaching and I do not teach. I enjoy spending time alone reading or just sitting in silence and while I do read a lot, it is usually at night when insomnia keeps me up which is not healthy when I already don’t get enough sleep. I enjoy learning new things and absorb knowledge like a child in their adolescence years and have not went back to school. I have a million and three excuses as to why I am not doing what I want to be doing, but it all pretty much boils down to, it is too much work to live the life I want when I am already settled in the life I have. Staying on the journey that was paved by my past is easier and a lot safer than trying to create something new and stepping out on faith that the new path will lead me to a fulfilled life. I turn 30 in a couple of months, and although 30 is still considered young by everyone over the age of 20, it is an age that society says one should be settled and working towards how they plan to end their life, not starting over and trying to begin it!

I am now at a crossroads. Can I learn to love the life I have and make the most out of it even though I am not doing what I want or am capable of doing? Am I willing to risk comfort for destiny? I want to say I am willing to do whatever it takes to live MY life, but I am not sure I will and that is what is preventing me from jumping feet first into my future… Well today anyway. Knowing myself, a decision will be made soon that I will commit to and I am confident it will not be to settle for a life less than what is meant for me.

 

Is it love, loneliness, or just gas

A year ago the person I want was someone who annoyed me by simply existing. Well, it wasn’t that serious, but when I saw him approaching I tried to find something to do so he wouldn’t stop and talk to me. It wasn’t that I thought I was better than him, just that he liked to flirt with every female who held eye contact for longer than 30 seconds and even though flirting is my hobby it isn’t as fun when it is someone who you have absolutely no interest in, and at the time, I didn’t even have a thought of a possibility with him. You may be wondering how a year later I am writing about someone who I claim wasn’t even a second thought. I am wondering the exact same thing! Let me start from the beginning and tell the story and maybe you could help me figure out how I got here and if I should run to it or from it…

The guy I am referring to was a co-worker. I know that breaks all of the rules and trust I have weighed the good with the bad and this factor alone almost tipped the scale but I am not concerned about personal life ever spilling into work life and we do not work in the same department so this was just mentioned to explain how we met and know each other. We used to work in the same building and he has been with the company for a few years so knew a lot of the people I interacted with at work. He would come around to speak to them and we started casually conversing. It was more hi and bye than actual conversation, but that is how we met. Like I said before he would always flirt with other co-workers and eventually me, and since flirting is my favorite pastime, we started conversing more frequently. Once this happened it didn’t take long for me to realize his people skills were not the most advanced. Things that you just don’t say, he would and not even realize he offended you unless you let him have it or started ignoring him. Our interaction soon became a cycle of friendly banter, ignoring and avoiding contact, and exchanging angry words. I am sure I have just confused a few more people now because this still doesn’t explain what is causing me to write about him a year later. Stay with me though, I am getting to that part.

My company went through a major change starting a little more than a year ago where departments were being eliminated and people were being let go by the hundreds. During this time people on speaking terms with each other were constantly exchanging information because you never knew what day would be your last. It was during this time that this person asked for my number. I don’t know what his intentions were at the time, but I didn’t think twice about it. We were friendly so why not right? I bet you are thinking I am about to say he started calling everyday and sending crazy advances, but that is not what happened. Nothing changed really. We didn’t talk any more than we did before and even though he would randomly text every blue moon, for the most part we only conversed at work which was seldom at. So when he text one day in September I didn’t see anything wrong with spending a few hours with him watching a movie. The day he text just happened to be the day I decided to go to my father’s gravesite for the first (and last) time since he passed away almost 4 years ago so his text was actually a welcomed distraction to the emotional mood I was in. The movie wasn’t that great, but I actually enjoyed his company. He made me laugh which is what I needed so when he tried to hold my hand I didn’t get annoyed like I probably would have any other time, I just saw it as cute. I didn’t want to hold hands with him though and might have been a little extra with trying to get that point across by sitting on my hands, but he didn’t seem offended. As innocent as this day was, it was the start to where we are now. After the movies we started conversing on a more regular basis and he started his ‘game’ I suppose. He just pretty much started expressing his interest, which I still didn’t feel, but again flirting is my hobby so entertained.

This is where things get tricky. My mom’s birthday is the beginning of Oct and the anniversary of her death is the end of Oct. so needless to say Oct was a very emotional month for me. I am unsure if my needing a distraction and having someone willing to be it led me to open up to the possibility of him, or if I was finally over the non-relationship I had with my ‘chiropractor’ and was trying to escape loneliness, or if once I didn’t have the other distractions that were keeping me closed off to any possibilities, I found what I am supposed to have. But everytime I have been around him things just started making sense. I can’t make sense of why it does it just does. It could just be I was lonely and ready for someone to love and if it weren’t him it would have been anyone else showing attention, I don’t know… All I know is one day I invited him over, well accepted his invitation to invite himself over lol, and he ended up staying the night. We did not have sex    (I am a lady!) but the intimacy and affection was honest and left me lightheaded and giddy. He held me while we slept and in his arms I felt safe. It is true you don’t realize what you don’t have until you find it. That night I realized I needed safety. throughout my life I have had to be strong and independent and even though that is not likely to ever change, I found in him a feeling that makes me comfortable putting my guard down. I don’t doubt for a second that he will protect me and in that there is a comfort that is so refreshing and new and good that a year after ignoring and avoiding him, I am now writing about him and I am hoping he is the last he I ever write about. I still don’t know if it is love or loneliness, but I am certain it isn’t gas!

 

Life is what happens when you stop living

Have you ever looked up and wondered where time has gone? Or have you ever thought life was moving at a faster pace than you were able to keep up with and you were living in a constant game of playing catch up? The truth is we all do. It is easy to get so caught up in the monotony of the present that the opportunity to inhale the newness of every day, every season, and every moment is missed. I have been in this place for a little too long. I am afraid of what the next chapter of my life will bring because the previous chapters have had some major challenges that I feel like I have just overcome and that I do not have the mental capability to handle anything else. It is hard for me to navigate to the future I want because I am afraid once I get there I won’t want it or be able to handle it so I have been on cruise control with life. Cruise control is fine as long as you are on a straight path, but one thing we can all guarantee is that change is bound to happen whether we are prepared for it or not. The only thing constant in the world is change and change while on cruise control is how you crash into walls!

For most of my life I have been the responsible daughter and now that I am no longer needed to be the responsible daughter I do not know what new hat to put on. I am no longer a girlfriend or active participant in a serious, growing relationship.  I am no longer a student working towards a degree. I am no longer trying to get into the work field in a respectable position. I am still big sister, but little brothers and sisters have grown up and are now living and experiencing their lives without the need for me to assist in their life’s path. I am family member and friend, but have learned to create and live with boundaries that will keep those relationships healthy. I have achieved the goals I had when I was needed to be the responsible daughter, so now I am left with the questions, what am I and what do I want?

I know I want to be self-sufficient and feel I do a pretty decent job of taking care of myself. I know I want to be happy and I have taken the needed steps to learn to be happy in all situations and even though I have days where I forget it, in general, I am happy. I know I want to be loved and have learned that the best way to get love is to give it and I freely give my love to those I trust enough to respect it. I know I want to make a difference and I have joined organizations and volunteer my time to do my part in making the world better. These things I know, and yet I still feel like I am missing a major part of life. Maybe it is just me not being able to find contentment in an obviously good place, but I have a deep sense that what I want and what I am doing is so much smaller than what I am capable of and could do. I feel like I am destined for great and have been okay with good because it seems to be sufficient. Since sufficient isn’t sufficient to me, it is up to me to change it, but my fear based on my inability to control the unknown is keeping me from moving in any direction to make greater a visual possibility.

One thing I am coming to accept, is life is going to continue to go on. Whether or not I reach my destiny will not prevent one day that should happen from happening. Regardless of how I feel, life will go on. Life is not dependant on me or any other individual. It is my choice to live or to just accept life as it comes. Although I still do not know what is going to happen next nor can I predict the future or guarantee it will be smooth sailing, I do know that this place I am in now is not where I intend to stay. It is time for me to stop letting life happen and to live!

 

 

The Danger of Playing it Safe

Have you ever had a crush that would always have to remain just a crush? That seems to be the story of my life. I wouldn’t say it is a bad thing because I cherish the friendships I have with men even if sometimes things happen that make me wonder what if… with them. I do often question if I purposefully allow myself to like unavailable men as a safety measure though. It is safe for me to allow myself to be open to the idea of love when I know the idea can never come to fruition. I rationalize that I am ready for what I say I want but life is not dealing me a hand that can be played. I tell myself the fact that I am crushing on anyone is proof that if the right available one comes around that fits my standards and desires I won’t hold myself back. I like to lie to myself though. I think the truth is that I am not ready for what I say I want. Truth be told, sometimes I question if I even actually want what I think I want or if I just try to convince myself I want it since I should at 28 by society’s standards. Today I had a thought; maybe I am subconsciously giving myself exactly what I want right now by keeping myself in a position to not have to commit to anyone other than myself (and God of course) because the few people I could see a commitment with are undoubtedly out of the question. Or maybe I had that thought because I need to rationalize what I am doing since I can’t seem to stop. Either way, these thoughts or actions aren’t new so now is the time to accept them for what they are or change them.

I have always been slow to rush into romantic relationships so it was hard for me to notice the pattern I have been living at first. I was 17 years old when I thought I first fell in love. Looking back I see that it was puppy love and not nearly as deep as it seemed at the time, but then there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for that guy or anything anyone could say to convince me he wasn’t the perfect match for me. The fact that he professed his love to me first and out of the blue was all the proof I needed to believe that we were destined to be together forever. Needless to say, things didn’t work out. The next in line was a guy that I was determined to fix. He had a lot of issues and I just knew that with the right love and guidance he would become the man who only I seemed to know him to be. I don’t think I have to say it, but that didn’t work out either. I can admit that we had real love, but he was definitely only supposed to be in my life for the time that we shared. I think deep down inside I knew all along that he was never going to be happily ever after and forever but as they say, hindsight is 20/20. Next guy wasn’t so much a love as it was a long relationship. I think he wanted to love me but his culture and upbringing wouldn’t accept our relationship and he didn’t want to fight for it. We were good friends and I think were what the other needed for the season we shared together and I appreciate him for not leading me on or letting our relationship go to a deeper level. The latest love was the man whose last name I planned on taking. He helped me to experience true unconditional love. Although I thought we were going to be forever after, I think it is clear, he didn’t work out either. With all of my previous loves/relationships one thing was common… The guy was somehow unavailable or not ready to take our relationship to the next level. The first guy was long distance, second was in and out of prison, third was culturally bound to set ideals that did not align with my own, and the last was only ready for what we had in theory.

I wish I could say that after noticing the pattern I have taken steps to change it, but that wouldn’t be the truth. I have been ‘dealing’ with a guy that I know doesn’t really want me and I don’t really want. We are good for what we are, but we aren’t anything and haven’t been for the 2 yrs that we have been ‘dealing’ with each other. People wonder why I still even bother and the answer is the same as why I tend to crush after those that are unavailable… he is safe. I can count on him to be and do what he has for the past 2 yrs. I know I won’t expect anything more from him because he has never given me a reason to. I also know that he will never disappoint or hurt me because I will never let him close enough and he has no expectations from me since we don’t have that kind of ‘relationship’.  What is even better, I don’t feel the need to connect with anyone else as long as he is in the picture because I already have a fake connection with him. What we have has been my safety net for the past 2 yrs.

What I am starting to realize though is that safe is boring. I am ready to throw caution to the wind and experience fun. I am letting go of fear and I am hoping I can break my pattern of safe and unavailable. I guess time will tell…

sn: if you so happen to have a single brother/cousin/uncle/friend get at me, I am ready!  (that is a joke!!)

 

Joy of the Lord

Nehemiah 8:10

Then he said to them, “Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.” 

There were many nights that I called my mom in the middle of the night to talk to me because I could not sleep because of some ‘tragedy’ going on in my life that was keeping my mind running faster than my thoughts could keep up with. Most of those nights she just listened and let me vent and work out whatever it was I was going through by asking me questions that forced me to answer my own dilemma by facing the true problem and ignoring everything else I was adding to it that made my issue that much more amplified in my mind. My mommy was great at keeping things in perspective like that. But on those few occasions where I didn’t see the lesson or answer to what I was going through my mom would simply say, ‘the joy of the Lord is your strength.’

That simple fact has enabled me to sleep many nights and preserver through many situations even when I felt like all hope was lost. I remember a time when I was working 2 full-time jobs and going to school full-time. My dad was also living with me in MD away from the rest of our family and we had just found out the severity of his sickness. I was also in a relationship that was not going anywhere and I had to come to terms with the fact that I needed to end it which was hard because things weren’t bad, they just weren’t progressing. Needless to say, I was overwhelmed with everything and wanted to throw in the towel. There is one particular day where I called my mom at 3am her time on my way home from one job with 2hrs to spare before my first class and I just broke down on the phone. I had a goal in mind and was working like crazy for a reason, but that day I just didn’t care. I wanted rest and couldn’t schedule enough time to get any. My mom listened to me and offered suggestions for possible temporary solutions, but I wasn’t having it and continued to cry and complain until finally she asked me where I get my strength? I knew where she was going with her question so I sniffled out from the joy of the Lord. All she said after that was I didn’t sound too strong or joyful and she loved me and for me to go home and go to sleep and catch up on the classes I would miss that day at another time and hung up the phone. I remember driving home the rest of the way bawling and sitting in the car when I got home because I didn’t want my dad to worry or feel that I didn’t want him there. When I got in the house I ate (my dad often had food cooked when I got home since I worked so much) and passed out! When I got up for work a few hours later everything was better. All I needed was a reminder that my strength doesn’t come from me, a couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep didn’t hurt either

Many times we want to give up on life or something that we have been working towards because we feel exhausted and get discouraged if it doesn’t happen quick enough. Shoot, I just went through this very emotion earlier this week! But one thing to keep in mind is that your strength does not come from you. You won’t be able to handle the pressure of your life; if you could why would you need God? The good news is you don’t have to. (Matt 11:30, 1 Peter 5:7)

I am thankful that even though I no longer have my mommy to call when things seem to be too much, I am  still blessed to have my mommy’s voice in my ear reminding me to be joyful no matter what because my strength doesn’t depend on my abilities or attitude; but on the Lord. So when you see me smiling and happy, don’t assume I am without any troubles and things are always perfect for me because I can tell you now, that is nowhere near the truth. I have struggles, fears, disappointments, failures, battle loneliness and depression, and give up on myself and God often (this all just happened this week lol) I just know that no matter how my life is or what is going on around me I have strength to get through it no matter how weak I may be by the grace and joy of the Lord.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

Today is my day!

I am learning to accept my blessings. I should start by saying I am a giver. I always have been and probably always will be. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in turning down gifts from certain people I know and trust, but in general I give much more than I take. I took some time to think about my reluctance to accept gifts and more accurately blessings and my conclusion is I have trust issues. It may be hard to understand what trust has to do with a blessing, but let me explain what I mean.

I have an issue trusting that someone wants to do something for me without expecting something in return. To take that thought even further, I also have a problem trusting something good will happen to me without something bad happening in response. If I look back in my life, I have always been blessed. Even in the bad times, I never really needed for anything and since I was never in denial about what I did and didn’t have, my wants always aligned with what I was able to receive as well. Even with acknowledgement of my blessed life, life has been hard for me. I can’t remember a period of time where something traumatic was not happening. I am a happy person by nature, and am usually happy in every situation, but most of the time my happiness is in spite of what I am going through or what is going on around me. So, while I could never deny good things happen to me and I am blessed regardless, I am also hesitant to accept them because with the good has always been bad. I am tired of being strong and tired of overcoming so instead of fully accepting and appreciating good, I have been settling for mediocre because mediocre is safe. I am not now nor have I ever been a mediocre person though so me trying to settle for good enough causes a mental conflict within me. I am dissatisfied with life simply because I have been afraid to trust the life that I have in front of me. I don’t trust God or myself enough to accept that He has a plan for me or that I can handle all that He has in store for me if it comes with anymore bad.

Losing my mother 2 years after losing my father took a lot from me mentally. I am at a point where I just want peace. I am in a place now where I can admit I was depressed. I didn’t stay in therapy long enough to be diagnosed, but I am pretty sure my therapist would call me clinically depressed or manic-depressive. I am fine today, but once you allow yourself to go to such a dark place it is a lifelong struggle to never go back there so I know my happiness and peace is something I will always have to fight for. Because of this, I think it is hard for me to accept blessings such as being promoted when like 90% of my company was laid off, or possibly having a vehicle handed to me just because my sister loves me and wants better for me, or someone caring enough about me to not take advantage of me emotionally, or someone caring enough about me to respect me even when I don’t respect myself. Instead of accepting them for the blessings they are I find myself tip toeing around them and anxiously waiting for something bad to accompany them.

Today the pessimism stops! Just as I know I have to fight for happiness and peace, I am making a mental decision to accept good for good. I am a realist so won’t even begin to pretend that life will be all bubble gum and cotton candy just because I mentally will it to be, but when and if bad happens it will be properly addressed then. For now, I am going to be appreciative of the good that God is allowing to happen to and for me and I will be receptive of any more good to come.

 

Lord, I want to be closer to you

Heavenly Father,

I come to you humbled and scared. You are all-knowing so it makes no sense for me to try to hide or sugar coat how I am feeling. I am spiritually stagnant. I love you with all of my being and honor you. You are worthy of my all just because you are you. I know you deserve my very best because it is a blessing for me to have anything at all. I know you are my creator and you sustain my life. I sit in awe of how great you are and am inspired to be a better me to make you happy. I am beyond thankful that you care enough about little old me that you have taken time to order my steps and to hold my hand as I walk in my predestined journey. Now saying all of that, it probably sounds confusing that I say I am spiritually stagnant, but I am. I am at a good place with my relationship with you, but the thirst I had to build this relationship with you seems to have escaped me and I am afraid if I don’t reignite that fire I will be unable to maintain this relationship with you.

I could easily blame my idle spiritual progress on the misplaced anger I had with life, and indirectly you, for losing my mother so soon after losing my father. I could also blame it on my hesitation to completely lose myself in anything anymore because with all of the recent loss around me and in the world in general, I have developed a subconscious awareness of how unpredictable and precarious life is and my unchecked need for control is preventing me from fully trusting in anything, including you. I do not like making excuses or even providing reasoning for something I am fully aware is wrong so no matter why I am spiritually halted, I am and I need to know how I can change it. Your word says if i draw near to you, you will draw near to me. I am calling out to you now and asking you to let me feel a small piece of your presence. If I feel your presence no amount of fear or hesitation will be able to exist in me because you are my source and my soul connects with you on a level my mind cannot understand and would never be able to interfere with. Perfect love eliminates all fear and you are love (1 John 4:18).

I need you now Lord. Not because of anything that I want or because of any need that I am asking you to meet; I need you now Lord, so that I can fully live. Without you guiding my every move, my movements are in vain. Without you directing my path, my journey is made in darkness. I know you are with me and I know you will never leave me or forsake me and I know that just because I love you and keep your commandments that you are faithful and will keep your covenant of love with me (Deuteronomy 7:9). Intellectually, I know and have faith in all of these things, but things are not where they should be. I know what it is like to desire your very presence every moment of my day and to feel your love and comfort in all situations and that is not where I am right now. I want that craving back. I want to want to stay in your word, and want to stay in communication with you through prayer, and want to be so connected with you and my destiny that everyone else glorifies you when they see me (Matthew 5:16). Father, please show me how to get back to that place. Please reveal any hinderance that is keeping me from you whether it is something I am doing intentionally or unintentionally because I want to be closer to you God…

 

 

 

To you, my friend

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

I always say to know me is to love me, and I couldn’t be more correct in saying this when it comes to my friends. The people who are really friends to me know me in and out and still CHOOSE to love me for me. I have always been very open with voicing my thoughts or whatever I am going through (hence the blogging now) so if you have known me for more than 5 minutes and we have conversed for any length of time you probably know some factoid or random event that has happened in my life that fit with whatever we were discussing. I don’t mind sharing bits and pieces of myself with everyone because if I don’t know you I really don’t care what you think about me because in my mind as soon as you walk away I won’t know you again, but my real friends know the whole picture of what makes me who I am and they love that picture even though it is cracked and has water damage and has been set on fire and put out and set on fire again!  I am a mess at times and difficult to be a friend to sometimes because compromise is not my favorite word and independent is my middle name :)

Despite all of my flaws there are some people in the world who would give a big toe for me. I am a friendly person by nature and meet strangers all of the time that I get along with, but I have been blessed to have a solid group of chosen family members in my life who will be in my life as long as I have life left. Some I have known from middle school/ high school, some I have known since college, some I have met within the last year or two, but all of my friends have helped me through heart breaks, love, losing my parents and other family members, family disputes, family growth, happiness, depression, tears and fears. My friends know when I need an ear to listen to me vent or express something that if I don’t get out will drive me to drink or lose my mind and they know when I need someone to call me on my stuff and tell me what I don’t want to hear or have been avoiding. My friends also know when I just need to know they care. There have been many times when I was in a funk and someone called me up to chat about everything and nothing or just stopped by or called me to go somewhere with them, even if I tried to refuse it, just so I wasn’t sitting alone and drowning in my thoughts. Whatever the case, when I need it I know I have it in my group of wonderful people I have the privilege to call my friend. Since I have had close relationships most of my life (mainly from being from a large close family) I have always assumed that real relationships were something that everyone has, but the more life I have experienced, the more I am aware that the relationships I have are precious and unique and should be cherished. Some women don’t get along with other women for numerous reasons, but I have never had an issue with trusting women or building friendships with women. I have great male friends that mean the world to me, but the sisters I have met along my journey have been fundamental to my journey. Without some of the guidance and reflection I have received from my sisters I don’t know where I would be. I am a firm believer that God places people in your life to enhance it and I am grateful I have met many people who have enhanced my life. I see God in the pureness of their love and it inspires me to give love in return.

They say, to have a friend you have to be a friend. I can only pray I am as much of a friend to those I love as they have been to me. When I say I am thankful to all of them it is an understatement. I am more than thankful, I am indebted. I owe them what they have freely given me… a reason to smile and a life of happiness. If today were my last day of life, I could honestly say I have lived a rich, full life. I not only have a wonderful supportive family, but I have also been blessed with an even larger extended, chosen family. Right now my heart is full and I am humbled to have the friendships I have! To all of my friends and to the friends I have yet to make: I LOVE YOU!!!

 

Daddy’s Girl

When I was 2 years old my daddy was my hero. One of my earliest memories is learning to read with him. He read a newspaper every morning and I would try to read right along with him. He used to say I would cry for a section of the paper or would HAVE to have one of my books while he read so I could ‘read’ with him. I was a very chatty little girl, so much so that one of my aunts gave me the nickname ‘Ms Busybody’ or shortened Ms B. My dad used to say that he didn’t pay any attention to me ‘reading’ to him out loud since I was always talking anyway, until one day he noticed me unusually focused on my book. He says he stopped reading the newspaper and started listening to me, and I was actually reading! I have an obsession with books now, so I don’t doubt at all that I taught myself to read at 2 and have been reading since. Reading with my daddy is a memory I will always cherish.

My whole life I have been a daddy’s girl. I think it is because I was the first girl from my mother and father and my dad used me to make up for time lost with his oldest daughter. I have an older sister from my dad, but he wasn’t apart of her life and from speaking with him, especially towards the end of his life, I know that was a big regret he had. My dad used to talk a big game, but I know there wasn’t anything he could do for me that he wouldn’t do. In my household my dad was the cook (when he was there). If he was making something I did not like all I had to do was ask and I would get a different meal. He would make up some reason as to why he had to make something else, but I knew it was because of me. I also had this habit of reading until I fell asleep and I liked reading with my room light on instead of a lamp. The problem was the light switch was across the room so I would have to get out of the bed to turn the light off when I was already half asleep. My resolution to my bad habit every night, was to call my daddy until he came into my room to see what was wrong and then I would say sweetly, ‘Daddy could you turn my light off?’ Every time I did it, he would say the next time he was going to leave the light on because it made no sense for me to stay up so long reading and to wake him and everyone else up just because I didn’t want to take the 3 steps to turn off my own light. That is what he said, but every night it was the same thing. I would stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning reading and call him to turn off my light. I know my daddy getting out of bed and turning off my light is something small, but growing up most of my friends didn’t have a father present so the fact that mine was there for something so small made me feel special.

My daddy always had a story or joke. To this day I learn things that contradict something he told me that I believed. I think I have insomnia because of him. My dad has always been a night owl, and would let me and baby sister stay up as late as we could watching old television shows with him. I would stay up late even on a school night, and every time my mother would complain or say something to him about it he would whisper to me to not pay her any attention, I would be fine at school because the human body only needed 2 hours of sleep to function. Mind you, I was in elementary school staying awake until 3am!!

I have mainly good memories of my daddy because that is what I want to keep. He had his flaws and fell victim to an addiction that I believe led to his early departure from this world, but all in all my daddy was great! There are a lot of things I wish had been different and there are a lot of mistakes I can clearly see as an adult, but growing up my life just was what it was. When my daddy was there he was attentive and fun and when he wasn’t there, he just wasn’t. We always knew he would be back in a few weeks or a few months at the most and his up and leaving just became a part of our home dynamic. Later in life I realized he had to leave us in order to protect us from his personal demons he was fighting and that is something I appreciate dearly about him and my mother. I was able to have a ‘normal’ childhood because they decided to keep whatever craziness they were dealing with away from our home.

Today is the three year anniversary of my daddy passing. I have great memories with my daddy, but I have to come to terms that there are some memories I won’t ever get to make. My dad will never be the crazy grandfather to my kids that he was with most of my nieces and nephews. He will never walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. He will never grill my future husband and ‘warn him’ about my crazy gene. He will never again make me a personal pot of chicken and dumplings. He will never again talk crap about my weight and call me ‘A Heavy’ which was the nickname he lovingly gave my friends and me as teenagers. He will never again pick ALL of the winning teams for every sporting event (it took me years to realize he was cheating! he would write both teams/opponents on a piece of paper and put them in different pockets lol). He will never again try to convince me that the Lakers and Kobe Bryant are the best and I am confused for liking the Celtics. He will never again answer my calls and talk to me about boxing after dark fights. He will never again look at me like I am the princess and apple of his eye. He will never again laugh his laugh until it makes me laugh. He will never again tell me he loves me. With all of the things I know will never happen again, I have finally come to peace with what has already happened and will stay with me forever. I miss you daddy, but forgetting you can never be an option! You are a part of me and as long as I live you live.